Happily ever after

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“If the goal is to find the truth in love, to search for love that is real and enduring, then love cannot be left to fate.”

– Ty Tashiro

 

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How do you know when you love someone?

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I used to believe that love was a light switch. Something flicks on. You get an overwhelming sensation. It hits you like a bag of bricks. Or a strong arrow. When you know, you know. Right? Not so much. After 38 years and an expired marriage, I don’t see love that way anymore.  I’ve placed Cupid right next to Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

Love is a series of choices.  The first choice is based on many many factors, including chemistry, principle, logic, humor, intelligence, body type, where we are in our lives, what we want / need… the list goes on and on, and the weight of each factor varies depending on the individual.  Based on these factors, we either choose to begin the process to love or not. If we decide to enter this process, the action of loving can bring “light switch” moments. The way he looks at you. How hard she make you laugh. The notes he hides in your purse. The way she makes you feel when you don’t feel anything. But like an airplane flight, there is turbulence. The fights. The disagreements. The little things that bother you. His socks. Her shopping. You start wondering if you’ve made the right choice. Once you are in doubt, you have to make another choice. To continue to fly with this person or jump out of the plane. This choice is based on a thousand other factors, again depending on the individual and where they are in their journey.

If you decide to jump, the scary free fall will either make you stronger (grow) or miserable (depressed). But sooner or later, you’ll find yourself back at the airport waiting to board another plane. Then you hit turbulence. Or maybe there is no turbulence. Maybe you’ve changed your mind about the destination.  Either way, another choice. Fly or jump?

Love is making a choice every single day, to either love or not love.  That’s it.  It’s that simple.  Either to continue the process or not. We fall in and out of love.  Even in relationships, especially in relationships.  This doesn’t mean we don’t love the person.  It means we are left with a choice.  There is a difference between feeling love for someone (caring about a person), and loving someone (choosing to love that person).  You may have love for someone forever.  But that doesn’t mean you choose to love that person forever.  The choice to love is not a feeling, it is an action.  That is why it is so difficult.  It requires you to do something and I’m not just talking about buying flowers.  It might mean putting your wants aside.  Also, like chemistry, the ability to love is not a constant. It is a variable. It fluctuates, depending on where you’re at in your life and what you’re struggling with. Sometimes it is easy to love. Sometimes it is extremely difficult. But at the end of the day, it’s always a choice.

Although love varies, it also deepens. This means the longer you stay on that flight and embark on the journey together, the more fruit the process will bare. Your investment pays off. Your choices become easier. You not only become stronger as a couple, but also as individuals, assuming the love process is healthy – which means you guys are both doing work. The choice to love creates opportunity to hit notes in life that you could never hit alone and THIS is what makes your choice worth it.

So how do you know if it’s love? That is not the question to ask. The question is do you choose to love this person or not? Right now. Not tomorrow. Today. Make a choice. Yes or no. If the answer is yes, love as hard as you can. Love with everything you’ve got (your capacity right now at this point in your life). If the answer is no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.

– John Kim

… my question is: what if you are not ready to make a choice?

Ready

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Love turns you into a liar. Without knowing, you bend and twist your words, your own belief and who you are to become that person’s ideal. You make up excuses for that person when they wrong you. You convince yourself that that person is the one, that no matter what, you will never give up. You do it so well, you become a believer who falls head over heels for the occasional sweet words and faint promises. It becomes a habit and you can’t stop. Then on the bad days, you realize you have made a mistake. So you stop. This time, you are determined. You are done. Enough, you say. But a few sweet words and faint promises later, you’re back at it again.

You turned into a liar. But lucky for you, it wasn’t love that turned you into a liar. It’s loneliness and the longing to be with someone. When you’re in love, you shouldn’t have to lie and pretend to be someone you’re not. But you’re not ready for love until you can handle loneliness with grace.

Do & don’t

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Fall in love. Don’t fall in love with the idea of being in love.